opened with an alternate reality where witnesses were allowed at Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. Instead of Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts, “The Trial You Wish Had Happened” was also presided over by daytime television’s Judge Mathis (played by Kenan Thompson).
“This court needs a real judge that has some big brass one under his skirt,” Mathis told the Senate. “Now, we’re gonna do this trial right!”
After Mitch McConnell (Beck Bennett) and Lindsey Graham (Kate McKinnon) argued against witnesses, Judge Mathis declared in the fantasy impeachment trial, “We are calling witnesses, because that’s how a damn trial works!”
First to the stand: Cecily Strong’s John Bolton. “Your Honor, the things I saw President Trump do and say made me deeply worried about the future of democracy,” Bolton said, adding that he’s only coming forward now because “I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.”
Next called was Hunter Biden, played by a vaping, hoverboard scooter-riding Pete Davidson. “The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes,” he told the court before admitting “I’ve been selling Biden steaks at the top of Biden Tower and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-A-Lago… oh wait, that’s the president’s sons.”
In the fantasy impeachment trial, Trump is also stripped of his legal team and must represent himself. When Alec Baldwin’s Trump enters the Senate, he does so using a four-legged walker, a la Harvey Weinstein.
“Your honor, I’m a very sick old man, how can I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house,” Trump said.
“Are you trying to Weinstein me right now?” Judge Mathis asked.
“In which sense, because Harvey and me overlap in a few areas,” Trump responded.
Following a visit from My Cousin Vinnie and a musical number, Judge Mathis finds Trump guilty on all charges. “He’s find $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Pelosi,” Judge Mathis said.
“Fine, her body is an 8,” Trump said.